Orion Moonsong, celestial eavesdropper extraordinaire…
While we’re all busy with our earthly concerns, this astronomical busybody is up there tuning into the universe’s gossip channel, nodding along as Betelgeuse dishes the dirt on Rigel’s latest supernova fashion disaster or giggling when the Little Dipper shares a joke that’s been traveling across the cosmos for light-years. Talk about having friends in high places—Orion’s social network extends literally billions of miles in every direction!
Each week, Orion shares starry secrets with you, written in their notebook with glittery gel pens and decorated with tiny star stickers. The planets are Orion’s friends, and they tell Orion all sorts of helpful hints to pass along to you!
Horoscopes for the Week of April 20th, 2025 (Extra Spicy Edition!)
Aries (March 21 – April 19): This week, your inner fire will be stoked! Mostly by the sheer frustration of trying to assemble flat-pack furniture with instructions written in hieroglyphics. You’ll feel an undeniable urge to prove everyone wrong, especially that little voice in your head that says you can’t eat an entire jar of pickles in one sitting. Consider it a personal challenge. Also, if you encounter anyone humming elevator music, run. Their aura is toxic to your ambition (of finally mastering that darn fitted sheet). Your lucky number is the number of times you yell at inanimate objects this week. Aim high!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your steadfast nature will be tested. Someone will dare to suggest that ketchup doesn’t belong on everything. Stand your ground, you magnificent condiment connoisseur! Financially, that forgotten fiver might have a mysterious origin story. Maybe it fell out of a time traveler’s pocket? Don’t overthink it; just use it to buy more of whatever makes you happy (within reason… mostly). Your mantra this week: “Change is inevitable, except my preferred brand of tea.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): The whirlwind of your mind will reach tornado-like speeds. You’ll start five different books, brainstorm twelve new business ventures, and simultaneously plan a surprise party for someone whose birthday isn’t for six months. Prepare for a series of half-finished projects and a mild sense of bewilderment. That urge to learn a new language? It’ll evolve into a brief fascination with interpretive dance. Your spirit animal this week is a hummingbird on espresso who just remembered it left the stove on.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Your emotional radar will be picking up everything. You’ll sense your neighbor’s disappointment over their burnt toast and feel a pang of sympathy for a lonely sock in the laundry. That heartwarming dish soap commercial? Prepare for full-blown sobbing. Avoid watching sad animal videos online unless you have a support group and a lifetime supply of tissues. Making decisions while hungry could lead to some truly questionable late-night snack choices. Think cheese and peanut butter on a waffle. Your lucky phrase is “It’s not my fault, I’m just very empathetic… and hungry.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22): The universe is your stage, darling! Even if that stage is just your living room and your audience is your pet. Embrace the spotlight, practice your dramatic monologues, and don’t be afraid to belt out those power ballads in the shower. That questionable fashion trend from 2008? If you rock it with enough confidence, it becomes avant-garde. Just be prepared for some confused stares. Your theme song this week is anything with a dramatic drum solo and at least three key changes. Bonus points if it involves wind machines (even if you have to use a handheld fan).
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your quest for order will become almost… spiritual. You’ll find profound satisfaction in perfectly aligning the labels on your pantry jars and achieving peak sock drawer feng shui. You might even start organizing your digital files with the intensity of a NASA mission control operator. That internal judgment of other people’s mess? It will intensify. Try to channel that energy into something productive, like alphabetizing your collection of lint. Your lucky chore is meticulously arranging the crumbs on your countertop into aesthetically pleasing patterns.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): The scales of justice will be wildly unbalanced this week. Choosing between streaming services will feel like a life-altering commitment. Deciding whether to have pizza or tacos will trigger an existential crisis. You might spend an entire afternoon staring blankly at your closet, paralyzed by the sheer number of clothing options. Eventually, you’ll just wear the first clean thing you find. Your guiding principle this week: “On the one hand… but then again… perhaps a nap?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your aura of mystery will be so thick you could cut it with a dramatic, possibly antique, letter opener. You’ll communicate primarily through meaningful glances and loaded silences. That craving for black licorice? It’s a sign that you’re tapping into ancient, powerful forces (or maybe you just need some sugar). Avoid leaving cryptic notes for your housemates; they’ll just assume you’ve finally lost it. Your power color is the shade of a moonless night, possibly with a hint of brooding eggplant.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your wanderlust will be so strong you’ll consider escaping to the spice aisle of your local supermarket just for a change of scenery. That spontaneous furniture rearrangement might result in some surprisingly precarious arrangements. Just make sure nothing is blocking the door in case of a sudden urge to flee the country (or at least your apartment). That great idea you had? It probably involved something impractical but undeniably fun, like training squirrels to deliver your mail. Your lucky direction is wherever the wind takes you (or the next bus stop).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your inner responsible adult will be wearing a gold star and handing out participation trophies for basic life skills. You might even enjoy balancing your checkbook (briefly). This sudden burst of maturity could lead to you offering unsolicited advice on everything from retirement planning to proper microwave etiquette. Try to deliver your wisdom with a gentle touch; not everyone appreciates a lecture on fiscal responsibility while trying to enjoy their reheated leftovers. Your spirit vegetable this week is an organically sourced, sustainably harvested, and meticulously cataloged carrot.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your brainwaves will be operating on a completely different frequency than everyone else’s. You’ll have brilliant (and possibly slightly bizarre) ideas that will either revolutionize the world or just confuse your friends. That urge to wear mismatched socks? Go for it! Start that bottle cap collection! Just be prepared to explain your unique perspective to those who are still stuck in the conventional reality of matching footwear and uncollected refuse. Your lucky invention this week is a self-folding laundry basket that runs on good intentions and the faint scent of lavender.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Navigating the week will feel like swimming through a pool of lukewarm jelly. Your connection to the dream world will be so strong you might have trouble distinguishing between reality and a particularly vivid nap. Expect to misplace everyday objects with impressive regularity. Your train of thought will likely derail multiple times, often mid-sentence. Don’t worry about it too much; just float along and trust that things will eventually sort themselves out (or someone else will find your keys). Your lucky lost item will reappear exactly where you already looked three times.thumb_upthumb_down
