Orion Moonsong, celestial eavesdropper extraordinaire…

While we’re all busy with our earthly concerns, this astronomical busybody is up there tuning into the universe’s gossip channel, nodding along as Betelgeuse dishes the dirt on Rigel’s latest supernova fashion disaster or giggling when the Little Dipper shares a joke that’s been traveling across the cosmos for light-years. Talk about having friends in high places—Orion’s social network extends literally billions of miles in every direction!

Each week, Orion shares starry secrets with you, written in their notebook with glittery gel pens and decorated with tiny star stickers. The planets are Orion’s friends, and they tell Orion all sorts of helpful hints to pass along to you!

Horoscope for the Week of March 16-24, 2025

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

This week, Mars aligns with your coffee maker in such a way that you’ll finally understand why you’ve been buying those expensive beans. Your ambitious nature reaches new heights—possibly including attempting to organize that drawer full of miscellaneous cables you’ve been avoiding since 2023. Warning: Mercury retrograde means at least three people will ask you for tech support despite your repeated insistence that “turning it off and on again” is the extent of your expertise.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Venus suggests your stubborn nature will be tested when someone suggests a better route to work than your trusted 12-year commute path. The stars recommend trying it—shocking, I know. Your financial outlook is positive, though that might just be because you forgot about that subscription you meant to cancel. Cosmic tip: That plant isn’t dead, it’s just dramatically requesting water.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Your dual nature is in full force this week as you simultaneously plan a productivity system that would impress even the most zealous life coach while binge-watching three seasons of a show you’ve already seen twice. Jupiter’s influence means you’ll start seven conversations and finish approximately none of them. Your lucky conversation starter: “Did you know octopuses have three hearts?”

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

The moon, your ruler, is encouraging you to finally clean out your emotional junk drawer. Yes, that includes those screenshots of text conversations from 2018 that you’ve been analyzing periodically. Neptune’s position suggests you’ll be unusually persuasive—possibly enough to convince yourself that another kitchen gadget is absolutely essential to your happiness.

LEO (July 23-August 22)

The sun amplifies your natural spotlight-seeking tendencies, meaning you’ll either give an impromptu TED talk to strangers in an elevator or post a social media update that receives exactly one comment from your mother. Saturn’s influence reminds you that not every thought needs to be a story, but you’ll ignore this cosmic wisdom anyway. Your power color this week: whatever makes you look most photogenic in mediocre lighting.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

Mercury, your ruling planet, suggests you’ll spend approximately three hours reorganizing something that was already perfectly organized. Your critical eye turns inward when you realize you’ve been mispronouncing a common word for decades. Pluto’s movement indicates a sudden urge to alphabetize your spice rack, followed by the crushing realization that you own multiple containers of the same spice with different expiration dates.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

Venus has you wavering between two equally inconsequential decisions this week, possibly including which streaming service deserves your loyalty or whether to reply to a message now or at a more “normal” hour (despite it being 3:17 PM). The stars suggest you’ll achieve perfect balance in all things except your screen time, which remains troublingly high. Cosmic advice: Just pick something and stick with it for once.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)

Pluto intensifies your already mysterious aura, causing at least one person to wonder if you’re plotting something when you’re actually just trying to remember if you locked your front door. Mars suggests passionate encounters—possibly with the customer service representative who finally resolves that billing error. Your investigative skills peak midweek when you successfully track down that song you heard in the grocery store.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)

Jupiter expands your horizons, possibly by introducing you to a new cuisine or, more likely, a new YouTube rabbit hole about historical fashion mistakes. Your optimistic nature leads you to start another project despite having seventeen unfinished ones already. The universe hints that your tendency to exaggerate may reach new heights—try limiting yourself to only tripling actual numbers instead of quintupling them.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

Saturn rewards your disciplined approach by finally allowing that work project to come together, approximately three weeks after you needed it to. Your practical nature faces a challenge when you realize how much you’ve spent on practical purchases that you’ve never actually used. Cosmically speaking, it’s a perfect week to pretend you didn’t see that email that would require actual effort to respond to.

PISCES (February 19-March 20)

Neptune, your ruler, has you daydreaming about career changes that would definitely require going back to school for at least seven years. Your intuitive nature serves you well when you sense someone is about to ask you to help them move. Jupiter’s influence brings unexpected luck—possibly in the form of finding money in a coat pocket or remembering the password you wrote down “somewhere safe” three months ago.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

Uranus, planet of surprises, suggests you’ll have a revelation about yourself that everyone else figured out years ago. Your innovative thinking leads to either a brilliant solution or a gadget purchase you’ll regret by Thursday. Saturn’s position indicates it’s a cosmically appropriate time to finally admit that experimental haircut from December was perhaps not your best decision.

Remember, these horoscopes are about as scientifically accurate as claiming your personality is determined by your preference in breakfast cereals—but significantly more entertaining. Whatever the stars may or may not be saying, have a wonderful week!