Orion Moonsong, celestial eavesdropper extraordinaire…

While we’re all busy with our earthly concerns, this astronomical busybody is up there tuning into the universe’s gossip channel, nodding along as Betelgeuse dishes the dirt on Rigel’s latest supernova fashion disaster or giggling when the Little Dipper shares a joke that’s been traveling across the cosmos for light-years. Talk about having friends in high places—Orion’s social network extends literally billions of miles in every direction!

Each week, Orion shares starry secrets with you, written in their notebook with glittery gel pens and decorated with tiny star stickers. The planets are Orion’s friends, and they tell Orion all sorts of helpful hints to pass along.

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This week, Mars is doing the cosmic equivalent of drinking five espressos and challenging Jupiter to an arm-wrestling contest while riding a unicycle. This means you’ll have the energy of a caffeinated squirrel on a mission to reorganize the entire world, starting with your sock drawer. Tuesday brings an opportunity to finally tackle that junk drawer that’s been judging you silently for months – you know, the one where rubber bands go to form mysterious alliances with paper clips and expired coupons.

Romance is in the air, but so is pollen, ragweed, and your neighbor’s questionable cologne choices, so maybe invest in some antihistamines before your big date. Speaking of romance, you’ll find yourself attracted to someone’s organizational skills this week, which is either very practical or a sign that you need to get out more. Your lucky number is 7, which coincidentally is also the number of times you’ll check your phone in the next five minutes, the number of different projects you’ll start simultaneously, and the exact number of socks you’ll lose to the cosmic laundry vortex.

Career-wise, your impulsive nature will lead to a brilliant breakthrough on Wednesday, but only after you’ve convinced three different people that your “revolutionary” idea to put wheels on everything is actually genius. Avoid wearing plaid on Thursday – the universe finds it personally offensive this week and will respond by making every escalator you encounter run backwards. Your spirit animal this week is a very determined hamster who’s figured out how to power the entire neighborhood with its wheel.

♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Venus is playing hide and seek in your house of comfort food, which means you’re about to discover a new favorite snack that will become such an unhealthy obsession that you’ll find yourself defending its honor in grocery store aisles to complete strangers. This week, you’ll feel an inexplicable urge to rearrange your furniture, possibly while wearing mismatched socks (this is cosmically important – the universe appreciates asymmetrical fashion choices during Venus transits).

The rearranging will happen in three distinct phases: first, the “this will only take ten minutes” phase, followed by the “why do I own so many throw pillows” existential crisis, and finally the “actually this looks worse than before but I’m too tired to change it back” acceptance stage. A friend will ask you for advice about their love life, and through a series of conversational detours involving your shared history with terrible dating apps, you’ll somehow end up discussing the nutritional benefits of avocados for forty-five minutes instead, ultimately solving neither their romantic problems nor the global avocado shortage.

Wednesday is particularly auspicious for online shopping – your bank account disagrees and will send you several stern notifications, but the stars don’t care about your budget or your tendency to buy things just because they’re on sale. You’ll add seventeen items to various shopping carts and purchase exactly one, but it will be the perfect one. Expect a minor revelation about why you’ve been putting hot sauce on everything lately (spoiler: it’s because Mercury was in your house of condiments, obviously). Your comfort zone will expand to include one new thing, probably involving either fuzzy slippers or a kitchen gadget you’ll use exactly twice before it becomes decorative.

♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Mercury is basically doing the cosmic cha-cha in your communication sector while simultaneously learning to juggle flaming bowling pins, which explains why you’ll start seventeen different conversations this week and finish approximately three of them, but somehow end up becoming an expert on medieval farming techniques in the process. You’ll have brilliant ideas between 2 and 4 PM daily – we’re talking Nobel Prize-worthy insights about everything from solving traffic congestion to the perfect ratio of marshmallows to hot chocolate – but by 5 PM you’ll have completely forgotten what they were and be convinced you’ve discovered a new type of pasta instead.

Your dual nature will be on magnificent display when you simultaneously crave both complete silence and a marching band, preferably one that plays smooth jazz versions of death metal classics. Thursday brings an opportunity to finally learn what that weird button on your coffee maker actually does (spoiler alert: it’s not decorative, and pressing it will either change your life or flood your kitchen, possibly both). You’ll write three different versions of the same text message, delete them all, then send a completely different message that somehow conveys exactly what you meant to say through the strategic use of emojis and the word “basically.”

A text message will arrive at exactly the wrong moment but contain exactly the right emoji sequence to solve a problem you didn’t even know you had. This week you’ll become fluent in at least two new forms of communication: interpretive eyebrow movements and the ancient art of expressing complex emotions through your choice of lunch sandwich. Your brain will make connections between seemingly unrelated things, leading to breakthrough moments while you’re doing mundane tasks like folding laundry or trying to remember where you put your keys (they’re in yesterday’s jacket pocket, by the way).

♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The moon is having what can only be described as “feelings about feelings about having feelings,” which means you’re about to experience emotions you didn’t even know existed, including but not limited to: nostalgic melancholy for a future you haven’t lived yet, protective tenderness toward inanimate objects that look lonely, and an overwhelming urge to nurture everyone’s houseplants whether they want you to or not. This week you’ll cry at three commercials (the one with the dog, obviously, but also the insurance ad and that surprisingly moving toilet paper commercial), a particularly poignant parking meter that reminds you of your childhood, and a video of a dog wearing tiny boots that somehow encapsulates the entire human experience.

Tuesday is cosmically perfect for calling your mom, but be prepared to spend an hour and forty-seven minutes discussing why your cousin’s neighbor’s cat is making questionable life choices, the weather in places you’ve never been, and whether your third-grade teacher Mrs. Henderson ever got that garden she was always talking about. You’ll find yourself becoming emotionally invested in the success of a random stranger’s small business after reading their Yelp reviews.

Your nesting instincts will reach legendary proportions – you’ll have an intense urge to organize your spice rack alphabetically, then by color, then by how much you personally trust each spice with your deepest secrets (cinnamon ranks surprisingly high). A childhood memory will resurface while you’re brushing your teeth on Thursday, leading to a profound realization about why you always buy the same brand of cereal and how it connects to your fundamental worldview. You’ll also discover that you’ve been unconsciously arranging your books by the emotional journey they took you on rather than any logical system, and this will somehow make perfect sense.

♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Happy birthday season, magnificent lion! The sun is basically throwing you a cosmic birthday party, complete with dramatic lighting and a soundtrack that makes everything you do look like a movie montage. This week you’ll feel an overwhelming urge to redecorate something, anything, possibly while wearing a feather boa (not required, but highly recommended by Saturn). Wednesday brings recognition for a talent you forgot you had, like remembering the exact lyrics to that song from 1987 or knowing how to fold fitted sheets. Your natural charisma will be so powerful that even your houseplants will seem to perk up when you enter the room. Beware of getting into passionate debates about the superiority of gold versus rose gold accessories.

♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Mercury is organizing your cosmic filing cabinet, which means you’re about to become obsessed with optimizing something incredibly specific, like the perfect angle for storing wooden spoons or the most efficient way to organize your digital photos from 2019. This week brings clarity about why that one thing has been bothering you for months (it wasn’t the thing itself, it was how it was positioned relative to that other thing). You’ll have a breakthrough moment while doing laundry that solves a completely unrelated problem you’ve been puzzling over. Friday is auspicious for making lists about making lists. Your attention to detail will save someone from a minor but embarrassing wardrobe malfunction.

♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Venus is redecorating your house of harmony, which means you’ll spend approximately four hours this week standing in front of your closet trying to decide between two shirts that are practically identical. The cosmic scales are perfectly balanced, except for your work-life balance, which resembles a seesaw operated by caffeinated kindergarteners. This week you’ll become a mediator in a dispute between two friends about whether pineapple belongs on pizza (the stars suggest diplomatic immunity). Your sense of aesthetics will be so acute that you’ll rearrange a magazine display at the store without realizing it. A chance encounter will lead to a philosophical discussion about the optimal thread count for bedsheets.

♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Pluto is stirring up your house of mysterious mysteries, which means you’re about to become fascinated by something oddly specific, like the history of doorknobs or why cats always land on their feet. This week brings an opportunity to solve a puzzle that no one asked you to solve but everyone will be grateful you did. Your intuition is so sharp you could probably sense when someone is thinking about changing their Netflix password. Tuesday is perfect for decluttering, but you’ll somehow end up discovering items you forgot you owned and creating seventeen new organization categories. A secret will be revealed, but it’ll be something delightfully mundane like your neighbor’s obsession with collecting vintage salt shakers.

♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Jupiter is packing its cosmic suitcase in your house of adventure, which means you’re about to feel an irresistible urge to research flights to places you can’t pronounce. This week you’ll become an expert on a completely random topic after falling down an internet rabbit hole that started with “I wonder how umbrellas are made.” Your philosophical nature will emerge during a conversation about breakfast cereal, leading to profound insights about the nature of existence and morning routines. Wednesday is ideal for planning future adventures, even if those adventures are just finding a new route to the grocery store. A conversation with a stranger will give you exactly the perspective you didn’t know you needed.

♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Saturn is checking items off your cosmic to-do list with the efficiency of a professional organizer on a caffeine high. This week you’ll accomplish something you’ve been putting off for months, probably while wearing your lucky socks (if you don’t have lucky socks, Thursday is an excellent day to designate a pair). Your practical nature will shine when you figure out a solution to a problem that’s been puzzling everyone else. Friday brings recognition for your reliability, possibly in the form of being asked to house-sit for someone’s very judgemental cat. You’ll have a moment of pride while organizing something, followed by the immediate urge to organize something else even more thoroughly.

♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Uranus is basically rewiring your cosmic circuitry, which explains why you’ll have approximately twelve revolutionary ideas this week, most of them while in the shower or right before falling asleep. Your innovative spirit will manifest in finding a completely new use for something ordinary, like discovering that ice cube trays are perfect for organizing small craft supplies. This week brings an opportunity to connect with like-minded individuals, possibly through a shared appreciation for obscure documentaries or unusual sandwich combinations. Wednesday is particularly good for brainstorming sessions, even if you’re brainstorming by yourself. A technological glitch will lead to an unexpectedly positive outcome.

♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Neptune is swimming through your house of dreams with the grace of a cosmic mermaid, which means your imagination will be so vivid this week that you might need to check whether certain conversations actually happened or were just very realistic daydreams. Your artistic sensibilities will be heightened, leading you to see beauty in unexpected places, like the way sunlight hits your coffee mug or the patterns made by scattered papers on your desk. Thursday brings inspiration from an unlikely source, possibly a overheard conversation or a particularly evocative cloud formation. You’ll have an emotional response to music that makes you question everything you thought you knew about the relationship between sound and feelings. Trust your intuition, especially regarding which route to take home – it knows about the traffic jam before your GPS does.