Ask Gracelyn: How do I maintain my independence in a relationship?

How to Stay Your Own Person in a Relationship

Dear Gracelyn: How do I maintain my independence in a relationship?

Cathy G. – Collingwood

Dear Cathy,

Maintaining independence in a relationship is all about striking that sweet balance between “we’re a team” and “I’m still me, dammit.” Think of it like a Wi-Fi signal: you want to stay in range to enjoy the connection—shared laughs, cozy nights, someone to split the pizza with—but you don’t want to be so glued to the router that you can’t wander off and do your own thing.

Start with the basics: keep your own hobbies. If you love painting, gaming, or perfecting your sourdough starter, don’t ditch it just because your partner isn’t into it. Those solo passions are your oxygen—neglect them, and you’ll start feeling like a supporting character in someone else’s rom-com. Same goes for your friends. They’re your crew, your sanity check, your “let’s grab a drink and vent” lifeline. A partner who can’t handle you having a social circle outside of them is a red flag, not a soulmate.

Then there’s the practical stuff. Maintain your own space—literal or mental. Whether it’s a corner of the house for your weird vinyl collection or just an hour a day where you’re off-limits, carving out territory keeps you from merging into a single, indistinguishable blob of coupledom. And don’t sleep on the small wins: keep your own Netflix queue. Nothing screams independence like refusing to compromise on watching The Great British Bake Off while they’re binging Narcos.

The trick is communicating this without turning it into a standoff—let them know you’re not dodging them, you’re just nurturing you. It’s like telling a plant, “I love you, but I’m not watering you 24/7 or we’ll both drown.” Done right, you’ll have a relationship where you’re together because you want to be, not because you’ve forgotten how to function apart. Plus, it’s way sexier to be with someone who’s got their own vibe going on—dependency is so last season.

Be Happy,

Gracelyn