Orion Moonsong, celestial eavesdropper extraordinaire…

While we’re all busy with our earthly concerns, this astronomical busybody is up there tuning into the universe’s gossip channel, nodding along as Betelgeuse dishes the dirt on Rigel’s latest supernova fashion disaster or giggling when the Little Dipper shares a joke that’s been traveling across the cosmos for light-years. Talk about having friends in high places—Orion’s social network extends literally billions of miles in every direction!

Each week, Orion shares starry secrets with you, written in their notebook with glittery gel pens and decorated with tiny star stickers. The planets are Orion’s friends, and they tell Orion all sorts of helpful hints to pass along to you!

Buckle up, stargazers—the cosmos is dishing out advice with a side of sass. Here’s your witty, in-depth guide to navigating the week ahead, because the universe doesn’t do boring.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This week, your love life is about to get as heated as your temperament, Aries! Venus is playing matchmaker in your fifth house, creating opportunities for romance that will make your heart race faster than you do to arguments. Single rams might find themselves “butting heads” with someone who actually matches their intensity—finally, someone who can handle your fire without getting burned! For coupled Aries, it’s time to “take the bull by the horns” (yes, we know that’s Taurus’ thing, but you’re stealing their thunder this week) and reignite that passionate flame. A surprise date night might just be the spark you need. Remember, love isn’t a competition, but if it were, you’d definitely be winning this week. Just try not to “ram” your opinions down your partner’s throat—even if you think you’re right. Spoiler alert: you probably are, but let them figure that out on their own.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Oh, stubborn Taurus, this week you’re finally going to have to “moove” out of your comfort zone when it comes to love! With Mercury dancing through your communication sector, you’ll find yourself surprisingly chatty about your feelings—who are you and what have you done with Taurus? Single bulls might discover that the grass really is greener on the dating app side, especially around Wednesday when a message makes you blush harder than that time you accidentally liked your crush’s Instagram post from 2018. Coupled Taureans are in for a treat as your partner seems to finally understand that love language of yours—quality time and luxury gifts. Yes, they’ve been “taking notes” all along! This weekend, expect some earthy delights that will have you feeling more grounded than ever. Just remember, dear Taurus, relationships require compromise, so maybe let your partner choose the restaurant once in a while—even if their taste is questionable at best. After all, you can’t put a price on love… though you’ve certainly tried!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini, your dual nature is working overtime in the romance department this week! With your ruling planet Mercury doing backflips in your house of secrets, you’re about to become the master of mixed signals. Even you won’t know what you want! Single Twins might find themselves juggling potential suitors with the dexterity of a circus performer—”two-timing” has never been so literal. By midweek, expect to meet someone who actually keeps up with your conversational ping-pong, leaving you speechless for once (mark that date on the calendar, folks!). Coupled Geminis will discover that their partner has been “double-crossing” them—by planning not one but TWO surprise romantic gestures. The stars suggest embracing your indecisive nature by saying yes to both! Just remember, dear Gemini, while having options is your comfort zone, eventually you’ll need to “twin it to win it” and make a choice. Your perfect match needs to love both your personalities, after all!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer, prepare for your emotional floodgates to open wider than your refrigerator door at midnight! This week, the moon (your celestial ruler) is making waves in your relationship sector, turning you into even more of a romantic sap than usual—if that’s even possible. Single Crabs might find themselves “coming out of their shell” for someone who makes them feel safer than their childhood blanket. Don’t be surprised if you start planning your wedding after the first date—that’s just how you roll! Coupled Cancers will feel an overwhelming urge to nurture their partners to the point of smothering—try to resist force-feeding them homemade soup unless they’re actually sick. Your intuition about your relationship is spot-on this week, so trust those gut feelings, especially when they tell you your partner needs space from your constant “Are you okay?” texts. Remember, dear Cancer, not everyone expresses love through food and excessive worrying, but that doesn’t make their feelings any less valid. This weekend, try communicating without crying—a real challenge, we know!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leo, the universe is putting you center stage in the romance department this week—as if you’d accept any other position! With the sun illuminating your house of public image, your love life is about to become as dramatic as your hair flips. Single Lions might find admirers “roaring” for their attention, particularly around Thursday when your charisma levels reach almost dangerous heights. Just be careful not to mistake admiration for genuine connection—not everyone who applauds your performance deserves a backstage pass to your heart. Coupled Leos will feel an urge to show off their relationships on social media more than usual. Before you stage that perfect sunset kiss for the fifteenth time, remember that your partner might prefer private affection to public displays. The stars suggest planning a date that allows you both to shine—perhaps a karaoke night where you can duet (though we all know you’ll be hogging the microphone). Remember, dear Leo, while you’re naturally the star of the show, love is one production where you need a co-star, not just a supporting role.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Virgo, your analytical brain is working overtime in matters of the heart this week, calculating compatibility percentages faster than you organize your sock drawer! Mercury’s position in your house of philosophy has you questioning everything about love—including whether your dating app filters are specific enough. Single Virgos might find themselves creating pro/con lists for potential partners that are longer than their grocery lists (and we know how detailed those are). By Wednesday, expect to meet someone who somehow passes your impossible standards, causing a short-circuit in your usually methodical approach to dating. Coupled Virgos will spend hours analyzing text messages from their partners, looking for hidden meanings that probably don’t exist. The stars suggest putting down the relationship self-help books and embracing a little spontaneity—yes, even if it means leaving dishes in the sink overnight! Remember, dear Virgo, not everything in love can be perfected, organized, or sanitized. Sometimes the messiest emotions are the most authentic ones. This weekend, try expressing your feelings without first editing them in your head—a truly terrifying prospect, we know!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libra, your scales are tipping dramatically toward romance this week, making you even more love-obsessed than usual—if that’s humanly possible! Venus, your ruling planet, is dancing through your partnership sector, creating such powerful romantic energy that even your plants might start dating each other. Single Libras will find themselves “weighing” their options between multiple suitors, potentially causing decision paralysis that lasts until next Mercury retrograde. Don’t be surprised if you start seeing potential soulmates everywhere—that barista who drew a heart in your latte foam is clearly The One! Coupled Libras will be working overtime to maintain harmony, possibly redecorating the entire house just to create the perfect “balanced” environment for love. The stars suggest focusing on actual communication instead of just making everything aesthetically pleasing. Remember, dear Libra, while you’re naturally diplomatic, sometimes love requires taking a stand rather than constantly compromising. This weekend, try making a decision without consulting every friend, family member, and passing stranger for their opinion—we believe in you!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio, your intensity in matters of the heart reaches nuclear levels this week, making your usual passionate nature look like a gentle breeze in comparison! Pluto, your ruling planet, is stirring up your house of secrets, bringing hidden desires to the surface that might shock even yourself. Single Scorpions might find themselves magnetically drawn to mysterious strangers with questionable pasts—your detective skills will be working overtime as you scroll through their social media all the way back to 2010. By Friday, expect to make a connection so powerful it borders on telepathic, fulfilling your need for depth and possibly mild obsession. Coupled Scorpios will be diving into emotional waters so deep you might need scuba gear, possibly bringing up relationship issues from three years ago that you’ve been “stinging” to address. The stars suggest channeling some of this intensity into physical passion before you drown your partner in psychological analysis. Remember, dear Scorpio, while your all-or-nothing approach to love is admirable, sometimes a light touch can be just as effective as emotional waterboarding. This weekend, try revealing a secret about yourself instead of uncovering someone else’s—vulnerability goes both ways!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, your love life is about to become as expansive as your travel bucket list this week! Jupiter, your ruling planet, is magnifying your romance sector, making your already optimistic outlook on love reach delusional—er, inspirational—new heights. Single Archers might find themselves “shooting their shot” with absolutely everyone, from dating app matches to that person who smiled at you once in the elevator three years ago. Your confidence is so contagious that it’s actually working, leading to more romantic options than you have time for—a classic Sagittarius problem! Coupled Sagittarians will be planning romantic adventures that push boundaries, possibly suggesting camping trips to partners who consider “roughing it” to be a hotel without room service. The stars suggest finding middle ground between your wild ideas and practical reality. Remember, dear Sagittarius, while your enthusiasm for love is refreshing, not everyone can keep up with your “no strings attached” philosophy. This weekend, try staying in one place long enough to actually develop emotional intimacy—we know, terrifying concept!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn, your structured approach to romance is getting a much-needed shake-up this week! Saturn, your ruling planet, is forming unusual alignments in your house of values, causing you to question your five-year relationship plan for the first time since you created it in high school. Single Sea-Goats might find themselves attracted to people who don’t fit their usual “successful and stable” checklist, possibly even considering dating someone without a retirement account—gasp! By Tuesday, expect to meet someone who challenges your rigid expectations but somehow still impresses your parents. Coupled Capricorns will be inspired to inject spontaneity into their relationships, possibly suggesting date night without making reservations two weeks in advance—living dangerously indeed! The stars suggest embracing this temporary flexibility before you inevitably return to your spreadsheet approach to love. Remember, dear Capricorn, while your ambition extends to your romantic goals, sometimes the best relationships develop without a strategic plan. This weekend, try expressing affection without first calculating the return on emotional investment—a concept almost as foreign to you as taking a sick day!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius, your eccentric approach to love reaches new heights of weirdness this week—and that’s saying something! Uranus, your ruling planet, is electrifying your communication sector, causing you to express romantic feelings through methods that leave others completely baffled. Single Water Bearers might find themselves attracting potential partners through unconventional means, like creating elaborate conspiracy theories about how you’re destined to be together based on your matching aura colors. Surprisingly, your unique approach is working, especially around Thursday when someone finds your peculiarity charming rather than concerning. Coupled Aquarians will be introducing strange new elements to their relationships, possibly suggesting communicating exclusively through 1980s movie quotes for an entire day as a “bonding exercise.” The stars suggest toning down the experiments slightly if you want your partner to stick around. Remember, dear Aquarius, while your innovative approach to love is refreshing, sometimes traditional methods like actually saying “I love you” instead of sending mathematical equations that represent your feelings can be effective too. This weekend, try connecting on an emotional level without turning it into a sociological study—your partner is not a research subject!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces, your dreamy romantic nature is in overdrive this week, making your usual fantasy world seem practically realistic by comparison! Neptune, your ruling planet, is swimming through your intuition sector, blurring the lines between your dream relationships and actual ones. Single Fish might find themselves falling in love with people they’ve only met in passing, creating elaborate romantic futures based on a single shared glance at the grocery store. By Wednesday, expect to actually connect with someone who somehow lives up to your impossible fairy-tale expectations—at least until you get to know them as an actual human. Coupled Pisceans will be floating away on clouds of romantic idealism, possibly reinterpreting minor gestures from their partners as profound declarations of eternal devotion. The stars suggest grounding yourself occasionally in reality before you drift too far into your love fantasies. Remember, dear Pisces, while your romantic imagination is your superpower, relationships also require dealing with mundane realities like who’s doing the dishes. This weekend, try appreciating your actual partner rather than the perfect version you’ve created in your head—though we know which one you prefer!

Disclaimer: These horoscopes are meant for entertainment purposes only. The stars cannot be held responsible for any romantic decisions made under their influence, especially those involving spontaneous marriage proposals, dramatic relationship ultimatums, or texting your ex at 2 AM. Proceed with caution and perhaps a sense of humor!