Orion Moonsong, celestial eavesdropper extraordinaire…
While we’re all busy with our earthly concerns, this astronomical busybody is up there tuning into the universe’s gossip channel, nodding along as Betelgeuse dishes the dirt on Rigel’s latest supernova fashion disaster or giggling when the Little Dipper shares a joke that’s been traveling across the cosmos for light-years. Talk about having friends in high places—Orion’s social network extends literally billions of miles in every direction!
Each week, Orion shares starry secrets with you, written in their notebook with glittery gel pens and decorated with tiny star stickers. The planets are Orion’s friends, and they tell Orion all sorts of helpful hints to pass along to you!
Your Cosmic Forecast: Week of April 13th, 2025
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This week, your spontaneous side may lead you to adopt a pet rock on a whim. It’s low maintenance, sure, but don’t expect it to fetch anything—unless you chuck it across the yard yourself. Your new “rock-solid” companion might not bark, purr, or roll over, but it’s the ultimate listener, soaking up your rants about work without a single judgmental twitch. Picture this: you’re belting out off-key ballads, and your pet rock just sits there, stoically supportive. Pro tip: Give it a name like “Rocky Balboa” and paint a tiny grin on it—because even rocks deserve personality.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your determination shines as you tackle that IKEA furniture without the manual, convinced instructions are for quitters. You’ll wrestle with cryptic wooden dowels, a bag of screws that don’t match, and a shelf that’s starting to look suspiciously like modern art. Hours later, you’ll either unveil a functional chair or a wobbly monstrosity your friends will dub “the Leaning Tower of Taurus.” Pro tip: If it collapses, just slap a “minimalist sculpture” label on it and charge people to admire your avant-garde genius.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your multitasking skills get a workout as you juggle three social media platforms at once. You’ll be tweeting about your sandwich’s existential crisis, Instagramming your latte’s foam art, and—oops!—posting your cat’s glamour shot to LinkedIn with “Open to new opportunities.” Cue the flood of comments: “Is Fluffy hiring?” and one bizarre job offer for “Chief Purring Officer.” Pro tip: Keep your accounts straight, unless your cat’s ready to negotiate a six-figure salary.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The moon (your ruler) is having an existential crisis this week, and unfortunately, you’re feeling it too.You’ll feel extra emotional this week, especially when you realize your favorite TV show ended three years ago. You’ll find yourself getting emotional about strange things like staplers and the word “moist.” Your coping mechanism: building a blanket fort in your living room and declaring yourself sovereign of Cozytopia. The legend of the Shamrock returns in 2025 <3
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your charisma lights up karaoke night as you drag your crew to the mic and unleash a dramatic rendition of “Sweet Caroline” (complete with jazz hands). Your voice might waver like a yodeling goat, but the crowd’s too charmed by your confidence to care—they’re screaming “Ba-ba-ba!” right along with you. Pro tip: Lean into the spotlight—add a twirl or two, and they’ll be begging for an encore, pitchy notes be damned.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your eagle eye catches a menu typo—“desert” instead of “dessert”—and you can’t resist pointing it out with polite precision. The manager, awed by your proofreading prowess, slides a free slab of gooey chocolate cake your way as thanks. You’ll savor every bite, smugly knowing your nitpicking just paid off in sugar. Pro tip: Don’t volunteer to fix the whole menu unless they’re throwing in a lifetime supply of pastries.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your peacekeeping skills are tested when friends bicker over the last pizza slice—one claims dibs for funding the pineapple, the other insists their hunger trumps all. You’ll swoop in with a genius fix: slice it into mini “pizza tapas,” doling out bites like a culinary diplomat. They’ll grumble but comply, and you’ll bask in your title as the group’s harmony hero. Pro tip: Stash a secret snack for yourself—mediating is hungry work.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your passion ignites over a new TV show, and soon you’re ranting about the villain’s secret backstory or the hero’s suspicious mustache. You’ll rope in friends with your wild theories, and by Friday, they’re either hooked on episode five or begging you to chill. Spoiler: you won’t—they’ll just have to deal with your “It’s so obvious!” monologues. Pro tip: It’s not obsession if it’s a masterpiece—keep the popcorn flowing and the debates raging.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your optimism fuels a last-minute road trip to see something absurd, like “The Giant Twine Ball of Doom.” You’ll load up on chips and sing-alongs, only to hit a torrential downpour that turns your car into a soggy karaoke box. No biggie—your cheer transforms the deluge into “an epic quest with bonus hydration.” Pro tip: Pack a raincoat and a towel, but don’t let a little thunder dull your vibe.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your budgeting resolve is ironclad as you dodge online sales tempting you with socks covered in dancing tacos. You’ll feel like a financial wizard—until you realize the toilet paper’s gone, and you’re down to napkins from last week’s takeout. Cue the humbling moment: trendy socks won’t save you now. Pro tip: Stock the essentials first—those tacos can strut on someone else’s feet.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Your creativity explodes when you repaint your room in a shade like “cosmic tangerine,” flinging paint like a rebel artist. Friends will gape at the walls—“Did a fruit salad explode in here?”—but you’ll call it visionary and strut around like Picasso. Final result? Either a bold triumph or a neon nightmare. Pro tip: Have a neutral backup paint can ready—genius can be overwhelming.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your intuition nails the ultimate party playlist, blending bops with nostalgic gems like “Cotton Eye Joe.” The dance floor erupts—wallflowers turn into breakdance champs, and you’re swaying in the corner, smugly knowing you’ve orchestrated the chaos. Your sixth sense for vibes is basically witchcraft. Pro tip: Slip in a slow jam to catch your breath—you’ve earned it, maestro.
May your week be filled with giggles, weird choices, and a sprinkle of starry mischief. 🌟
